Thursday, January 27, 2011

Church Bulletin Sayings

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

On the way home from church one Sunday little Jason cried all the way home. Finally his dad asked what was wrong. Jason replied, “The preacher said he wanted us kids brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys.”

A chapter a day keeps the Devil away.

When you're on your knees you can't stumble.

God always puts omnipotence back of His commands, and we can do anything we ought to do. ~Dr. Bob Jones, Sr.

The Bible says that Christians are “living stones.” But some long-faced church members look more like tombstones.

What makes the Dead Sea dead? Because it is all the time receiving but never giving out. Why is it that many Christians are cold? Because they are all the time receiving but never giving out. ~D.L. Moody

So live that when people speak evil of you, no one will believe it.

There are three crowds in every church: those who don’t know what’s happening, those who wonder what’s happening, and those who make things happen.

The house of many mansions requires reservations in advance.

*A village pastor, who had a weakness for trout, preached against fishing on Sunday. The next day one of his members presented him with a fine string of fish and said hesitantly, “I guess I ought to tell you, Parson, that those trout were caught on Sunday.”
*The minister gazed appreciatively at the speckled trout, and said piously, “The fish aren’t to blame for that.”

Those who complain about the way the ball bounces are often the ones who dropped it.

Having common enemies is a poor basis for fellowship. ~ Curtis Hutson

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three days before you need it.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

The chains of habit are generally too small to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.

Without Christmas there would be no Easter.

Good marriages are not the result of finding the right person but being the right person.

People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

*A pastor always used the phrase, “It could be worse,” when some calamity would come his way.
*One day a friend said to him, “I have something to tell you, and you won’t be able to use your favorite phrase. I dreamed last night that I died and went to hell.”
*“It could be worse,” said the preacher.
*“How could it be worse?”
*“It could be true.”

When you bury the hatchet, make sure it’s not in your neighbor’s head.

It’s impossible to make wisdom hereditary.

We aren’t sinners because we sin, we sin because we’re sinners.

One time Billy Sunday was asked what he did to get people to come to church. He answered, “I set myself on fire. Then the people come to watch me burn.”

Come next Sunday morning and watch our Pastor set himself on fire! It’ll be cool!

*Note: We regret that the immolation scheduled for today (see last week’s bulletin) has been canceled by the pastor due to his lack of interest. He has promised, however, that if you come next week his belly will be full of fire.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Look forward to some success, not backward at some failure.

Grace is God giving himself for us; Lordship is us giving ourselves to Him.

A person who is temperamental is 50% temper and 50% mental.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever hate.

A Sunday School teacher said, “Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt.” One of her youngsters said. “My mom looked back and turned into a telephone pole.”

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

People who are green with envy are ripe for trouble.

Unsolicited advice is a form of criticism.

If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

Truth’s most becoming garment is simplicity. ~ Dr. Bob Jones, Sr.

What do you have when you have 20 people and 20 different opinions? A Baptist Preacher’s Fellowship.

The trouble with some of us is that we’ve been inoculated with small doses of Christianity, which keep us from catching the real thing.

Turn to The Bread of Life! Or be toast!

Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The Bible can be read through in 60 hours. ~ G. Campbell Morgan

Men do not reject the Bible because it contradicts itself, but because it contradicts them.

Feelings come and feelings go
And feelings are deceiving,
My trust is in the Word of God,
None else is worth believing.
~ Martin Luther

A person who can’t stand the smell of sheep dung probably ought not be a shepherd. ~ John Browning.

We shouldn’t go by our feelings, but we should have feelings as we go.
~ Lige Ledbetter

The Bible is a love letter from God, but to many it is an unopened letter.

A reputation once broken may possibly be repaired, but the world will always keep its eyes on the spot where the crack was.

*While waiting to catch an airplane, a friend asked a man if he knew for sure that he was going to heaven. He answered, “I hope so.”
*My friend said, “Oh, you’re just going ‘space available.’ You ought to get a reserved seat.”

No dying man has ever said, “I’m sorry I was a Christian.”

Love means giving.

A day hemmed in prayer never comes unraveled.

No man is high born until he is born from on high. - Dr. Bob Jones Sr.

It’s axiomatic that when a preacher prepares a message aimed at a particular person, the Devil will keep that person out of church that day.

Synonym: a word you can use when you can’t spell the other one.

Q: What do you call someone whose opinion differs from your own?
A: A radical.

*An argumentive person asked a preacher, “What is a miracle? Give me an example.”
*The preacher turned him around and gave him a good swift kick in the seat of the pants. “Did you feel that?”
*“Yes, I sure did!”
*“Well, it would have been a miracle if you hadn’t!”

For thirty pieces of silver Judas sold himself, not Christ.

Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, and the past perfect.

We cannot avoid growing old, but we can avoid growing cold.

Dear God: The Preacher's sermon sure hit home with a lot of people this morning. You should have been there.

Faith is the ability to not panic.

He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

The most important things in your home are the people.

Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.

It’s hard to be humble when you believe you’re a child of the King!

When a man has not a good reason for doing a thing, he has one good reason for letting it alone. ~Sir Walter Scott

Since God is our Father and we’re His children, we’re all brothers and sisters and our family tree is the cross.

Many people believe that admitting a fault means they no longer have to correct it.

Self always wants to be crowned, but God says it must be crucified.

My besetting sin is exaggeration. In fact I’ve cried a bucket of tears over it!

Age is mind over matter; if you don’t mind, it don’t matter!

To stay youthful, stay useful.

The heart that loves is always young.

The measure of a man’s greatness is not how many men serve him, but how many people he serves.

God will lower the gate of warning, sound the bell, flash the red lights, but He won’t keep you from crossing the tracks.

What a big difference there is between giving advice and lending a helping hand!

A good rule; give God the first part of every day, the first day of every week, and the first part of your income.

Church sign: Free trip to heaven. Info inside.

Prayer: Don't give God instructions - just report for duty!

A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

Exercise daily - walk with the Lord.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

Salvation: best bargain in town.

Now is the time to invest in eternity.

A pessimist is one who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a casket.

I like the optimist who fell out the window on the twentieth story and was heard to say as he passed the second floor, “Safe so far!”

Man's way leads to a hopeless end - God's way leads to an endless hope.

We don't change God's message - His message changes us.

Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited -until you try to sit in their pew.

It’s a paradox that most people who make a fuss about Bible versions don’t read it anyway.

I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

When you’re flat on your back, you look up.

The chances are about 10 to 1 that when someone slaps you on the back, he wants you to cough up something.

Open-minded or empty-headed; it depends on whether you’re defining yourself or someone else.

When in it!

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.

ATTENTION: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.

If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry.

Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.

We can never evangelize the world until the evangelized become evangelists.

Prejudice is a time-saver. It enables you to form opinions without bothering to get the facts.

John 20:29...blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.

2 Corinthians 4:18, While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye. ~Antoine De Saint Exupery

Be ye fishers of men. You catch ‘em - He'll clean ‘em.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

What the world really needs is one more hymn: “I Did It Thy Way.”

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time. ~Abraham Lincoln

*One Sunday morning a lady said to the pastor, “I did not like your sermon this morning.”
*To which he replied, “Neither did the Devil. Classify yourself and come back next Sunday.”

Give God what's right - not what's left.

If God is your Copilot - swap seats!

As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home every day.

God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.

Be careful of the words you say,
To keep them soft and sweet;
You never know from day to day
Which ones you’ll have to eat!

Church signs:
*Let us take you to our leader.
*Come early if you want a back seat.

“The Passion of Christ,” you’ve seen the movie, now read the book.

Peace and freedom never come at bargain prices.

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember,
Moses started out as a basket case!

The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "…and in conclusion…"

This bulletin was typed by the seek-and-ye-shall-find method.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Character is not made in a crisis - it is only exhibited.

When you get wrinkled with care and worry, it’s time to get a faith lift.

Our generation has seen television go from infancy to adultery.

Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.

For a Christian, life is not divided into the secular and the sacred. To him all ground is holy ground, every bush a burning bush, every place a temple of worship. (There is no difference between what is sacred and what is secular, it is all sacred.)
-Dr. Bob Jones Sr.-

Justice is getting what you deserve.
Mercy is not getting what you deserve.
Grace is getting what you don’t deserve.

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Brains and beauty are nature’s gifts; character is your own achievement.

The Bible is the only book who’s Author is always present when one reads it.

God never does for His children what His children can do for themselves.

The best ability is dependability. -Dr. Bob Jones Sr.-

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in the courthouse?

Blessed is he who has learned to admire, but not envy; to follow but not imitate; to praise, but not flatter; to lead, but not manipulate.

Your strength is seen in what you stand for; your weakness in what you fall for.

Paul and Silas were accused of turning the world upside down (Acts 17:6). God doesn’t turn the world upside down: He turns it right side up.

You’re stuck with your debt if ye can't budge it.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand up on its own because it is two tired.

Some people refuse to come forward in church until escorted by pallbearers.

The man who has not been to church for thirty years is usually the one who says that modern preaching is behind the times.

What the church needs more than anything else is fewer people telling the church what it needs more than anything else.

To ease another’s heartache is to forget one’s own. ~Abraham Lincoln

To realize the worth of the anchor we need to feel the storm.

The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

As long as you are something, God is not everything; but when you are nothing, Christ is all.

The man who looks back, sooner or later goes back.

If ye don’t stand for something you’ll fall for anything.

College is an institution, which a lady attends to gain her MRS degree.

Epitaph on an atheist’s tombstone: All dressed up and no place to go.

By perseverance the snail reached the ark. ~Spurgeon

To the timid and hesitating, everything is impossible because it seems so. ~Sir Walter Scott

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Impossible is a word found only in the dictionary of fools. ~Napoleon Bonaparte

When we start thinking defeat, too often the Devil has the victory already.

There is no tragedy as tragic as combining high mentality with low morality. ~Dr. Bob Jones Sr.

College is a place where non-conformists conform to the prevailing standard of non-conformity.

When I got up this morning I discovered that someone had stolen all my stuff and replaced them all with exact duplicates. ~Steven Wright

Experience is a good teacher, but a hard one. She gives the test first and the lesson afterward.

You don’t have to be listed in “Who’s Who” to know what’s what.

Christians never meet for the last time.

A person never gets too busy to attend his own funeral.

Faith will not make the sun rise sooner, but it will make the night seem shorter.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Prosperity begets friends; adversity reveals them.

We are on the wrong track when we think of friendship as something to get instead of something to give.

When it comes to giving, God sees the heart, not the hand; the giver, not the gift.

When it comes to giving, some people will stop at nothing.

When God gives to you, He never has any less; He still has just as much. God is infinite; when He gives us a part of Himself, He’s still infinite.

The door to the room of success swings on the hinges of opposition. ~Dr. Bob Jones Sr.

Be careful playing devil’s advocate, you might become the real thing.

If you aim at nothing, you’re sure to hit it.

The trouble with an opportunity is that it’s more recognizable going than it is coming.

Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal.

Some people fail to recognize opportunity because it usually comes to them dressed up in overalls and looks like work.

Blessed is the man who expects nothing for he will never be disappointed.

The pessimist says, “If I don’t try, I can’t fail.” The optimist says, “If I don’t try I can’t win.”

Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden couldn’t complain about how much better it was in the good old days.

Have you heard about the dial-A-Prayer service for atheists? You call a number and nobody answers.

Live your life so that when you die the preacher won’t have to lie.

To make a long story short, don't tell it.

God doesn't call the qualified; He qualifies the called.

What the Foxes said to Samson: If you go ahead and set our tails on fire, remember us in a book of martyrs.

What one egg said to another; Don’t get unequally yolked to a bad egg.

One nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.

You should never say "no" to a gift from a child.

No matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

We gain the strength of the temptation we resist.

You can find the shortest sermon on a thousand traffic signs: Keep right!

It wasn’t the fruit on the tree that caused all the trouble; it was the pair on the ground.

Welfare rolls are made from our dough.

A family altar would alter many a family.

The sermon that you like the most is not likely to be the one that will do you the most good.

Many people treat God like a spare tire; they only think of him in an emergency.

Scripture forbids polygamy: no man can serve two masters.

The proof of a real preacher is when his congregation goes away not saying “What a lovely sermon” but, “I will obey God.”

When did the cock crow when everyone in the world heard him? On Noah’s ark!

God’s will never contradicts His word. ~ Dr. Curtis Hutson

A clean Bible means a lean soul. ~ D.L. Moody

It took more than nails to hold Jesus to the cross. The bonds of love held Him there. ~ Rolla O. Swisher

No amount of riches can atone for poverty of character.

Whatever you dislike in another person, be sure to correct in yourself.

What you love and what you hate, reveal what you are. ~ Dr. Bob Jones, Sr.

Don’t blame the rule if you don’t measure up.

God has given us the privilege of making the choices of life, but He sets the consequences. ~R.J. Little

The most dangerous place to be on a Sunday morning is the road between a late-running Christian and his church.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

The wisest man’s description of a wise man is found in Proverbs 11:30, “He that winneth souls is wise.”

Learn from the turtle-it only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.

It’s all right to sit on your pity pot every now and then. Just be sure you flush when you are done.

The woods would be silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.

Confessing your sins is no substitute for forsaking them.

If a hypocrite is between you and heaven, then he’s closer to heaven than you are.

The best mathematical equation I’ve ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

Do the math. Count your blessings.

Yard-by-yard is mighty hard, but inch-by-inch is a cinch.

People always see the bad side. Nobody ever puts up a sign that says, “NICE DOG.”

A pastor needs the head of a scholar, the heart of a child, and the hide of a rhinoceros.

It is dangerous when our yearning capacity exceeds our earning capacity.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

Sunday School lessons are like babies: easy to conceive but hard to deliver.

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